80 Pounds

Yesterday, after posting, I decided to get a haircut. It was a nice change and it felt good to pamper myself a little. I got some layers and now I can wear my hair down a little more often. It definitely lifted my spirits. Although I've felt fairly hopeless the last couple of months, I'm starting to see a glimmer of hope. I've made plans to go to the gym and start back on Weight Watchers tomorrow and I really have faith I can do it for the long haul this time. I won't say that I'm not scared (and intimidated by the fact that I need to find better coping mechanisms), but I remember how good I felt when I was getting in shape and it pushes me forward. In August I'm going back to visit family and friends out of state and I am determined to go back looking better than I did when I left. My goal for the trip is 180 lbs, which is my halfway point. It's ambitious, but 40 lbs (give or take) in three months is attainable if I really put my mind to it. It's go

I usually tend to avoid conversations that involve my weight. It's a topic I fear because it means admitting that I don't feel good in my skin these days. I'd like to pretend that I'm "normal", that it's okay to be this overweight. That's probably what's gotten me to this point, denial. For awhile I was able to make excuses, like, "I'm still getting rid of that pesky baby weight." or "It's the Holiday Season, I'll start working on my diet in the New Year." It made it seem okay, almost tolerable, until I'd see a picture of myself that wasn't a selfie taken at a careful angle. Humiliation and confusion would ensue. Is that ME? How did I let this happen? Then the depression and self-loathing would begin to settle in. That's where I'm at now. A couple of months ago I joined Weight Watchers and began going to the gym. I lost twelve pounds in about three weeks and I was feeling GREAT. I was determined to